Sirius Black and the Freak Show Behind the Veil
by creepyapplelady
Summary: do not read this fic. its incredibly depressing and not fun. if you want a funny fic pick another one
1. i'm not in kansas anymore

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Sirius Black and the Freak Show Behind the Veil

By gopherisgood

Rating: pg-13 for swearing, just to be safe and so I don't have to change it later if I decide to write more

Summary: HA HA I got you to read it. Hey if it works for Lemony Snicket then why can't it work for me? Anyway, real summary. Sirius falls behind the veil and ends up somewhere rather unexpected…

Okie dokie I don't own Harry or the others. They belong to J.K Rowling and I don't own Stacie's Mom by Fountains of Wayne or Shut Up by the Black Eyed Peas.

Chapter one

I'm not in Kansas anymore, but then again I never was…

Sirius could hear Harry's muffled voice calling his name as he went through the veiled arch. He tried to call back to Harry, but could make no sound.

Sirius landed with a bump on something slightly squashy in the strangest place he'd ever been. As he got up he realised that he had landed on a witch. 'Oh crap, not again,' Sirius thought to himself as he knelt down to see if the witch was alright. "You killed her! Whoopee!" a high pitched voice called out from somewhere in the bushes next to Sirius and as he turned around to see what had made the happy cry, he saw a whole herd of little people coming towards him. They were all cheering and waving at Sirius. "You evil little ugly things," Sirius called to the mob of little people, "I just killed someone and you heartless people don't care!"

"Oh but its okay," said a woman in sparkly clothes as she put her hand on Sirius's shoulder, "You've done us a favour. Really. I mean how long would it have been before I got my weed whacker back if you hadn't killed her?"

The little people all nodded in agreement.

"Well, uh okay," Sirius said, still shocked, "whatever, but how do I get home? He asked the sparkly woman.

" Take these blue suede shoes and follow the puce vinyl path until you get to the guy at the place and he will send you home. But before you go some of the munchkins have a musical tribute to thank you for ridding us of the evil weed whacker stealing witch of the west." she said. 

Then the crowd of munchkins parted to allow three ballerina girls to come forward. When they had reached Sirius they started to dance and sing. "Shut up, just shut up, shut up," they sang, "oh we're trying to take it slow but we're still losing control…"

When the shut up dancers had finished, they moved off and five little men in lederhosen came forward. Jerking their legs in time to the music they sang, "Stacie's mom has got it going on, Stacie's mom has got it going on…"

Sirius slowly backed away from the munckins and down the puce vinyl path. He definitely wasn't in Kansas anymore, but then again, he never was.


	2. Just call me stuff

Okie dokie I still own nothing. Even the characters are starting to take over my story, as you'll see in later chapters.

Pg rating is for swearing and content in possible future chapters.

It might help make it funnier if you watch the real wizard of oz when you finish reading this. The dancing munchkins won't make much sense if you don't remember how that part goes.

Chapter 2 Just call me Stuff

Sirius walked and walked until he hit a fork in the road. So he pulled it out. (Just kidding get it, fork in the road, like an eating fork. That sounds like a joke my English teacher would make. Shout out to Mr. Rowe!) 'Oh shit' Sirius thought to himself, he always had trouble with this kind of thing. He usually went left when he should go right or he would go right when he should have gone left. It was always James who knew exactly the right path to take. 'Well, I'll just ask this inanimate rock which way to go,' he thought poking a nearby rock. "Excuse me, could you tell me which way to the guy at the place?" Sirius asked the rock.

"Yes I do," the rock replied, "and if you stop poking me I'll even take you to him. I have something I want to ask for."

So the two of them went along the path to the right. "My name's McCarthy, Jimithy-Misstank-Bobert-Robin-McDonald's-Baskin-Timhorton-Wendy- Chocolatemilk- Bernard- Nestle- Eminem- Rockyhorrorpictureshow- Forrestgump- Pixar- Starbucks- Seveneleven- Coffeepot- J.k.rowlinghadbetterhurryupandwritethenextbook- sesamestreetisthebest- Cocacola- Canadarules- Suckitup McCarthy. But you can just call me Stuff." the rock said. "So how did you get stuck here?" Stuff asked Sirius.

"It's a long story," Sirius told him. "Well then I don't want to hear it, I have no attention span to speak of, that's why I'm going to the guy at the place." Stuff replied.

"I just want to go home, that's why I'm going to see the guy." Sirius told the rock with no attention span.

"Like that's gonna happen," said a voice from in a nearby bush.


	3. Cynical Dorothy

Chapter 3 Cynical Dorothy

I own nothing not the Wizard of Oz, Harry Potter or anything else, Okie dokie?

"Who said that?" Sirius asked, alarmed. 

"I am your faaaather!" the bush replied. 

"Well in that case I hope you stay in that bush!" Sirius said bitterly. 

"You're not exactly the brightest crayon in the box are you?" the girl who had come out of the bush said, "my name's--" 

"If your name is as long as his I don't want to hear it!" Sirius said warningly. 

"Dorothy" she said. Dorothy looked familiar to Sirius but he couldn't quite place where he had seen her. Then he finally worked it out. She was from the Wizard of Oz, a stupid movie Lily had made him watch one time. 

"Didn't you get to go home in the end of the movie?" Stuff asked Dorothy. 

"Yes," said Dorothy with a sigh, "I did get sent home but then I got stuck under my bed looking for a sock and now I'm back here, and my friends are gone. Scarecrow's off being smart somewhere, Tinman has a girlfriend and lion is dead because he was too brave for his own good!" Sirius then noticed that Dorothy had been eyeing him up while she had been speaking, "it's been a while since we had any hotties in Oz," Dorothy said. 

"WHAT!" Stuff said, choking back a laugh. 

"Nothing, nothing I didn't say anything, it must have been my dog Toto 3 here," she said, "my other two Totos died." she explained quickly, "but I didn't kill them honest!" she said with a shifty look. 

"Well let's just keep going," Sirius said. He was starting to get weirded out by these people.

So they kept going along the puce vinyl path. 

"I think she fancies you mate," Stuff said, bouncing along next to Sirius, who chose not to reply. Dorothy skipped along, humming happily. 

Soon they heard a muffled sort of yell for help coming from the clearing next to the puce vinyl path.

A/N sorry the chapters have been so short, I'm not very good at writing long ones, but this will be a long story in the end its 25 pages written and I'm not done yet so keep reading and reviewing. Thanks to the one and only person who reviewed!


	4. its these damn braces!

Ok nothing mine bla bla bla…whatever

Chapter 4 Its these damn braces!

******************************************************************

When we last saw our adventurous heroes (or freaks as Sirius likes to call them) they were walking down the puce vinyl path and heard a muffled voice from in a clearing. Dorothy had just proclaimed her love for Sirius- "did not!" "Shut up Dorothy!" as I was saying she had just proclaimed her love for Sirius when they heard the voice. Now let us continue the story before Dorothy tries to kill me.

******************************************************************

Sirius went over to the clearing to see what had been making the muffled noise. There he saw an industrial electromagnet on a crane (like they have at the car crushing places… you know the ones you can turn on and off). Attached to the magnet seemed to be a big pair of lips with arms and legs.

"hemmmphmeh!" the thing screamed, flailing its arms wildly.

Sirius went over and tuned the magnet off and the thing fell on the ground. "Oh thank you!" it said, " it thought I was going to be there forever. I'm Tingrin man by the way. You're not going to see the guy at the place by any chance are you?"

"Uh, yeah we are," Stuff said. The others had just noticed that the lips named Tingrin man had braces on his teeth. That was why he had gotten stuck.

"Hey can I come with?" Tingrin said excitedly, "I want to ask the guy if he can take these damn braces off. They're driving me nuts, what with them getting stuck on stuff all the time."

"Yeah sure whatever," Sirius said, "but let's get going, the faster we get to the guy the sooner I can get away from you freaks!" he muttered, but no one heard him because Dorothy had begun to sing.

"Oh we're off to see the guy, the average guy at the place, because, because, because, because, because we have nothing better to dooooo!" Dorothy sang, skipping along.

"WILL YOU SHUT UP!" Sirius yelled at her. He was starting to get fed up. All he wanted was to go home. They kept walking, but there was still faint music playing. "I thought I told you to shut it Dorothy." Sirius said angrily.

"But I did," Dorothy said resentfully, "its HIM whose making the music." she said, jerking her thumb at Tingrin.

"What, can I help it if my braces just happen to pick up my favourite radio station?" he asked innocently. 

"Really," Stuff said, "what other stations can you get?"

"Gee you are stupid," Tingrin said to Stuff, "I can't really get radio, I have a radio in my back pocket, and if it bugs you Sirius, I'll turn it off." 

So Tingrin turned off his radio and they walked along the puce vinyl path in silence.

A/N ok let's get a few things strait. 

1. Braces are NOT magnetic. Believe me I've tried it with mine and it doesn't work.

2. You can NOT pick up radio stations on your braces. I was so disappointed when I found this out.

Um I got exams coming up so I don't think I'll be updating anything till next week. Wish me luck on my exams and watch for a contest coming up in later chapters! Thanks to both of you who reviewed and keep reading, like I said before this is gonna be a long story.


	5. I'm ridiculously combustible

Chapter 5 I'm Ridiculously Combustible

Nothing is mine, except possibly the characters that I have created, which do NOT include Sirius, Dorothy, or any other Harry Potter characters.

As the assortment of disgruntled creatures continued--- "we're not disgruntled!" "Shut up Dorothy what have I told you about interrupting the author when she's telling a story???" Now, back to the story. As I was saying before someone so rudely cut me off *cough cough Dorothy* as the four of them continued along the puce vinyl path, they came upon a cloud of dense smoke.

Then suddenly, a figure came running and screaming out of the bushes. He was on fire. "STOP DROP AND ROLL!" Stuff yelled at the creature from the bushes. It dropped to the ground and Toto II raised his leg and put the fire out.

"Oh thank you!" the thing said gratefully, "this always happens. I'm Ridiculously Combustible by the way, but you can call me Flammable. Are you going to see the guy at the place?"

Sirius thought Flammable's name suited him. His head was made of what looked like crumpled paper stuffed in a sock. His eyes were made of ping pong balls (very very flammable are those. Don't ask me how I know…) his body was made out of a cardboard box with wooden limbs. Worst of all was Flammable's fingers were made out of what looked like dynamite.

"You guy's don't smoke do you?" Flammable asked them, "I want to go to see the guy at the place to see if he can make me flame retardant. Can I go with you guys?"

"Yeah sure let's just go, it's getting dark." Sirius said noticing that the sun was beginning to set. Sirius was starting to be impatient again. All he wanted was to go home, not that there was much there, but if Voldemort turned up at the Department of Mysteries, which he was liable to do, Fudge would see that Dumbledore was telling the truth and he might have a chance of being free. Right now he just wanted to be anywhere that didn't have a rock with no attention span, a girl who was being obnoxious (author- I couldn't agree more Sirius…) and flirting with him, a big pair of lips with braces that kept getting caught on things and Flammable, who was almost certain to be a liability.

When it had become too dark to see anything they decided to set up camp. Stuff had gotten a fire going by using himself as a flint and everyone was sitting around it cooking the hot dogs that Dorothy had had in her basket. (Flammable was hiding in the tent, too afraid to come out for obvious reasons)

"So what's at home that you want to get back to so bad?" Dorothy asked Sirius, moving closer to him, "I mean this place isn't so bad."

"Not much" Sirius replied

"So why do you want to go?" Dorothy pressed on

"Oh, it's a long story--"

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!!!!!" Stuff screamed and ran into the tent to join Flammable.

"Well I want to hear it" Tingrin said quietly.

"Well, I guess it started about sixteen years ago, with my best friends James and Lily…"Sirius started, staring into the fire, "they were in big danger of being killed by Voldemort and…" 

"So you see, its all my fault all this has happened," Sirius finished.

"It is not," Tingrin said, shocked, "you've got to stop blaming yourself for something you had no control over and start using your energy to help the people you care about and who care about you. Keeping yourself shut up in your room away from everyone else isn't helping Harry at all and he needs it most right now." and with that Tingrin got up and went into the tent. A few minutes later Dorothy left. As Sirius sat alone with the campfire he realised that Tingrin was right.

A/N thanks to all of you who reviewed, especially to Ronandchicken who reviewed twice. Keep reading and reviewing, and I'll try to get the next chapter up soon. Maybe writing this will keep the plot bunnies in my head from eating any more of the stuff (not that Stuff…) that I'm trying to memorize for my exams. If it doesn't, expect another chapter soon.

"I LOVE SIRIUS!!!!"

Dorothy will you SHUT UP!!!

"Sorry"

That's okay, but keep your comments to yourself from now on, I don't mind you expressing yourself but not in the middle of the story. You can do it at the end. And try not to kill this Toto!


	6. The Place, Home of the Guy

"Ooh ooh I want to say it!" 

"What is it Dorothy?"

"I want to do the disclaimer today"

"Well, ok, just this once, but if you pull anything…"

"Oh I won't" *bats eyes*

"Home run!" (Sorry, stupid joke, too much time with English teacher, this is his kind of joke. So sorry. Hi Mr. Rowe)

"Ok here goes. Hi I'm Dorothy and the following story has me in it. The author of the story does not own me or any of the characters from Harry Potter. They belong to J.K. Rowling, wait a minute, is she your girlfriend Sirius, have you been cheating on me???!?!?"

"No Dorothy she's not my girlfriend and neither are you so how could I be cheating on you?"

Dorothy runs off crying, "but I thought you loved me!"

"Boy do I ever want to go home!"

"Let's just start the story shall we Sirius, Dorothy? Dorothy get your butt back here!" *chases after Dorothy and drags her back kicking and screaming.*

Chapter 6 The Place, Home of the Guy

The next day they set off along the puce vinyl path again. Sirius was in a better mood today and they were almost at the place with the guy. But unfortunately, it was a hot day and when they sat down on the path for a rest around midday, Dorothy's legs stuck to the vinyl and they had to peel her off before they could continue.

Finally, the five of them reached a large building with a sign of the door which read "The Place, Home of the Guy" Sirius knocked on the door and it swung open. They walked inside and were greeted by Simon Cowell (you know off American Idol, I think he's on a British version too, Pop Idol right…)

"What do you want?" Simon demanded.

"Are you the guy?" Sirius asked him.

"Yeah and I suppose you've all come to ask me for something. That's the only reason anyone comes here anymore." Simon replied with a sigh.

"Well yes we have" Sirius told him, "You see Stuff here-"

"Stuff, that's a stupid name!" Simon said nastily

"Yes, Stuff, believe me you don't want to know what his real name is, honestly. Anyway he wants a longer attention span. And Dorothy wants-"

"I WANNA MARRY SIRIUS!!!!" Dorothy blurted out

"Dorothy what have I told you about interrupting people during my story?"

"Sorry miss author person"

"I mean I want to go home again," Dorothy said sheepishly

"Uhh yeah, right," Sirius said, "and Tingrin here wants his braces off so he won't get stuck on stuff, but not that Stuff" he said pointing to Stuff. "And Flammable wants to be less, well, flammable, and I -"

"Want to stop perpetually blaming myself" Tingrin broke in

"No, I want to go home too." Sirius finished

"I want, I want" mimicked Simon "if you want all those things then you'll have to prove yourself worthy by performing three tasks…"

A/N woo what will they have to do?!! Nobody knows but me. Anyway I'll try to get the next chapter up soon. Plot bunnies have stopped eating the English I'm studying but have unfortunately moved on to Social Studies which is only my worst subject so if you'll excuse me I have some plot bunnies to restrain until tomorrow evening after my exam. Then they can feast happily on my brain until June. 

Thanks to everyone who reviewed! Yes Ronandchicken we are ALL flammable. Keep reading and reviewing and I'll see ya later.

"I LOVE SIRIUS!!!!!!!!" 

"Yes Dorothy we get the point now will you please SHUT UP!!"

*Dorothy pouts*


	7. Turn left at every Starbucks

"Dorothy, no, you can't do the disclaimer. You made a right mess of it last time, throwing a temper tantrum like that, I was so embarrassed!"

"I'm sorry, I swear I won't do it again! Honest!"

"Bull shit"

"I won't, see I'll prove it!"

"No, Dorothy give it back, get out of here, scram!" *Grabs keyboard out of Dorothy's hands* "shoo!"

Ok nothing is mine, I own nothing

Chapter 7 Turn Left At Every Starbucks

"Your first task is to kill Voldemort" Simon said, "once you have done that you can come back and do the next task. Voldemort can be found in the East, past the 7-11, but if you see a Tim Horton's then you've gone too far and will probably die. Take a left at every Starbucks, turn right at the seventeenth Wal-Mart that you come by and keep going straight until you hit Disneyland and then turn left and go into the nearest McDonald's where you'll find Voldemort working from his secret hideout in the dumpster. And watch out for flying beavers."

"That doesn't sound so bad," Stuff said as they left the castle.

At the 21st Starbucks flying beavers suddenly picked up the five of them.

"Oh well, this sure beats walking," Tingrin said cheerfully, "these beavers can take us straight to Moldywart or what ever his name is."

"Its Voldemort," said Harry, whose had joined the pack carrying Sirius and the others, "hi Sirius!"

"What the hell are you doing here?!" Sirius said in surprise

"Well it's nice to see you too," Harry said sarcastically, "see what happened was that I got stuck under the bed and-"

"You too?" Dorothy said sympathetically 

"Yeah,' Harry continued, "and I ended up here and the sparkly lady with the demented munchkins that sing asked me if I knew you and I said I did and she magicked me to the guy at the place and he got me this beaver. So now I'm here with you guys." he finished

"Hey wait,' Sirius said slowly, "if the sparkly lady magicked you to the place then why didn't she just do the same for me?"

"But then you wouldn't have met us!" Stuff said indignantly 

"That's the point," Sirius said

"Well I guess its cuz of that boy-who-lived thing" Harry said with a shrug, "and anyway the author didn't want to have to explain how I got down the puce vinyl path like three times faster than you guys. So what're we doing?"

"I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!! THAT LAZY AUTHOR!" Dorothy yelled

"Dorothy do you want to wait in the car?!"

"Sorry ms. author person"

"I still don't like your tone, watch it missy,"

"Sorry"

Ok back to the story

"We're going to kill Voldemort," Flammable said happily.

After a rather enjoyable ride, the beavers dropped them off in front of a dumpster at Mc Donald's. They climbed in and found Voldemort waiting for them, holding a cigar with and evil glint in his eye.

"Well well won't this be fun," Voldemort said with a sneer.

A/N he he he what will happen? Anyway um thanks to all my reviewers. Ronandchicken, have you read Lemony Snicket's books by any chance. If you haven't I think you should. Especially the Unauthorised Autobiography. You really remind me of him. No offence. Thank you for reviewing and keep reading! Right now I got to go stop Dorothy from killing Sirius, she's chasing him and she's gaining on him. I don't want to think about what will happen if she catches him!

"Dorothy leave Sirius alone"

"But I just want to kiss him!"

*Sirius starts to run faster, author grabs Dorothy and ties her to chair*

"You stay on that chair until you learn to behave yourself!"

"Thank you thank you thank you!"


	8. Voldepuddle

I LOVE SIRIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"No, Dorothy will you get out of here, and give that back!"

*Author chases after Dorothy, tackles her and grabs keyboard back from her*

"Sorry about that, Dorothy is what we here where I live would call "special" so don't mind her"

A/N ok this is really really short, I apologise for Dorothy and her 

"specialness". So just read and maybe review if you liked it. I accept non-member reviews so even if you aren't signed up with fan fiction.net you can still review. Thanks!

Nothing is mine thank you very much.

Chapter 8 Voldepuddle

Voldemort was just about to throw the lit match at Flammable when he suddenly spontaneously combusted. "Aaaahhhh!" he screamed and dropped to the ground and rolled around. Sirius grabbed the bucket of water that was conveniently next to him and threw it on Flammable. Then Stuff grabbed the bucket of cotton candy, which was also conveniently there and threw it on Voldemort.

"They wasted all that good cotton candy and Voldemort's melting. What will we ever have for tea if the cotton candy is gone? You're mean!" Lucius Malfoy said angrily and stomped off. There was the sound of the door slamming and Malfoy put on his Britney Spears music on really loud.

"How come I never thought of that?" Harry said as he scooped Voldepuddle up in the bucket and put it in the freezer with Walt Disney. Once Voldepuddle had frozen, Hermione who was just in the neighbourhood, put the ice, orange juice, milk, water, sugar, and vanilla into the blender and blended it together. Then she left. Harry poured the Voldemort Julius that they had made into cups and they all drank it. It was very tasty.

When the Voldemort Julius was gone they hopped onto the flying beavers and went back to see Simon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey how come I'm not in this chapter!"

"Sorry Dorothy but that's what happens when you annoy the author!"

*Dorothy is speechless and sticks her tongue out at the author and then pouts* 

"Aw Dorothy if you promise to be good you can do something very special"

"Ok, what do I get to do? I promise I'll be good."

*Author whispers in Dorothy's ear*

"Ok, the recipe for real orange Julius is as follows:

Step 1

Take 2/3 of the can of frozen juice concentrate and mix it with:

1 cup of milk

1cup of water

½ cup of sugar

1 tsp of vanilla

Several ice cubes to thicken juice.

Using a blender, or food processor, blend together until smooth.

Pour into juice jug.

Step 2

Using the remaining 1/3 of the can of juice concentrate, mix with:

½ cup of milk

½ cup water

¼ cup sugar

½ tsp of vanilla

Several ice cubes to thicken

Blend together using the blender or processor and put into the juice jug.

*It is important to do the Julius in two parts like this because the blender cannot hold all of the juice at once. It will overflow if you do not do it in two parts. Believe me, I learned the hard way during home ec. Last year! *

I LOVE SIRIUS"

"Dorothy…"

"Sorry, couldn't resist"

"Well if you make me some Julius I'll forgive you"

"Ok, you can have some Voldemort Julius if you want, I still have some left."

"Thanks Dorothy"

A/N thanks to everyone who reviewed and keep reading!"


	9. Oversalted, Greasy, Cold Fries

*Author walks into house and sees Dorothy battling half a dozen other girls. *

"Dorothy what are you doing? How did all these girls get in?"

*Dorothy takes no notice and keeps fighting. Author drags Dorothy away kicking and screaming, then kicks other girls out of house. *

"What the hell was that?"

"They were trying to take Sirius away from me!"

"Dorothy, I don't know what to say! I'm sick-"

"And tired…"

"Dorothy what am I going to do with you!?!?!"

"Can I turn her into Dorothy Julius?"

"Sirius!"

"Sorry, but she's getting on my nerves! I'm getting this close to turning into my animagus form and mauling her!"

"Ooh what do you turn into?"

"Um Sirius, ix-nay on the magus-animay, ou-yay ow-knay hat-way appens-hay oo-tay er-hay ogs-day. O-day ou-yay ant-way o-tay e-bay illed-bay????"

"Oh yeah never mind, I was lying I'm not an animagus!"

*Dorothy looks at Sirius suspiciously* 

"Umm lets just get on with the story shall we? Um Stuff do ya want to do the disclaimer while I make sure Irius-say ills-kay orothy-day"

"Hey!"

"Just do the disclaimer, Stuff."

*Clears throat* "today's story is brought to you by the letters J and K as in J.K. Rowling, who owns the Harry Potter characters."

Chapter 9 Over-Salted, Greasy, Cold--

"Hey it's Snape!"

"Sirius…"

"Sorry"

French Fries (or "freedom fries" if you live in the US)

"And you didn't even bring me any?" Simon whined when they had told him how they had destroyed Voldemort. "Overlord Julius is my favourite! You're mean! But anyway you still have two tasks left. The next task is to eat this large tub of over-salted, greasy, cold-"

"Snape!!!"

"Sirius…"

"McDonald's French fries." Simon said indicating the large pail of fries next to him.

"And I thought killing Voldemort was bad!" Flammable grumbled as they went over to the pail of fries.

A/N ok I have nothing against McDonald's but I'm not exactly their biggest fan. I'm not particularly fond of the fries but the other food isn't bad.

The five of them ate their way through the pail of fries, gagging on every bite. When they were finished all of them ran to the water fountain in the corner and each of them had an extra-long drink.

"It is now time for your third task." Simon said, "and it is by far the worst."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok I had to think of Flammable today during science when we all got to light our hands on fire. Something to do with chemistry so none of us got burnt. My class has sort of an obsession with fire and we spent most of the class talking about things that burn well.

Anyway thanks to everyone who reviewed. Keep reading and I'll try to update soon. Right now I got to go, Sirius is looking dangerous again. So for both of their safeties I better go separate them before one of them dies. That's not allowed to happen yet.


	10. More Famous than TuboLard Ruben

"can I be back in the story?"

"I guess so Dorothy. But if you ever pull another stunt--"

"what stunt, I wasn't doing stunts I was _fighting_ there's a difference."

"well, _Dorothy, _if you ever fight with any more fan girls you will be permanently erased from my story."

"hey miss author person…"

"what Dorothy?"

"can I do the disclaimer?"

"don't push your luck."

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters that include but are not limited to the Harry Potter characters, the American Idol people, and the mystery character which also don't own.

Chapter 10 More famous than Tub-o-lard Ruben

"you must each sing a song. Me, Randy and Gayorg will judge you and then the others vote. The one with the least votes will be kicked off. Whoever gets the most votes wins and has their wish granted." Simon told them, "and to make it more fun we will be adding Ryan Malcolm, the Canadian Idol ("whoo hoo! Um sorry I couldn't resist. Go Canada!") whom I don't like because he's from Canada, Clay Aiken, who lost on the last American Idol but who is way more famous than Tub-o-lard Ruben Studdard and the house elves from Hogwarts. I will be picking your songs." Simon said pacing in circles while the others waited anxiously.

"what happened to Paula?" Harry asked, Dudley had liked watching American Idol, why he couldn't imagine because besides the fact that Dudley looked like a whale, he sang like one too. Maybe he took comfort in the fact that there were worse singers than him.

"she's too perky and nice." Simon replied shortly, "now, perpetually-blaming-himself-for-everything, you will sing "I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt" just to please Dorothy and numerous other fan girls reading this and drooling all over their computers right now. Girl-Who-Loves-Perpetually-Blaming-Himself-For-Everything, you will sing S8r Boi by that Canadian girl, whatshername. Boy-Who-Lived, you will sing Stayin' Alive by the Bee Gees. Tinface, you will sing "When Doves Cry" by Prince. Stuff, you will sing "My Name Is" by Eminem. Flammable you will sing "Light My Fire" by the Doors. Ryan from Canada, you will sing "Little Rabbit Foo Foo" Clay who is allergic to everything and is more famous than the actual winner, you will sing "Bad" by Michael Jackson. The house elves have already chosen a song. Here is your music, go practice now and come back tomorrow." then Simon vanished.

"ok I'm totally not in this one!"

"me either!"

"what about me!"

"ok ok sorry guys I know this chapter was all Simon, and I'm sorry, but that's just what needed to happen."

"and why don't you like me?"

"I'm sorry Ruben, its nothing personal, I just never liked you much and you're a bit rotund if you know what I mean. don't be hatin'"

"well ok, but no more fat jokes."

"deal. Now what was that you wanted to say, Gayorg?"

"yes, well the author is having a contest. If you can guess which musical movie I came from you get to pick what the author's next fan fic is about. As long as it's not slash she'll do it."

"yes, that's right folks, just send the name of the famous musical movie Gayorg was in, as well as what you want me to write about if you win, in a review, and one week from now, February 13, 2004 one lucky winner will win! So get your entries in now!"

Thanks to everyone who reviewed. Keep reading and reviewing and don't forget to enter the contest, but remember, I WILL NOT WRITE SLASH!!!! I don't think I could do it and I don't really want to try.


	11. You're from Canada so we hate you

"Hey Author person!"

"What Dorothy?"

"Can I be back in the story?"

"I guess so, but no monkey business."

"WHOO HOO!"

"Whatever"

"Can I do the disclaimer?"

"No"

"pleeeeeeeaaaaaase!"

"No"

"You're mean!"

"Gee Dorothy I didn't know you cared."

*Dorothy stalks off*

"Ok none of the characters from Harry Potter belong to me, they belong to J.K.Rowling, Sirius's girlfriend"

"Hey!"

"And you said you weren't cheating on me Sirius!"

"I'm not, we've been through this before, how can I be cheating on you when were not together?"

"I hate you!"

"Whoo hoo! Thank you author person!"

"You're welcome Sirius"

Chapter 11 You're From Canada So We Hate You

The next day when Harry, Sirius, Stuff, Dorothy, Tingrin and Flammable went back into the castle, they found the décor had been changed slightly. There was a large stage and a huge audience was sitting in the newly erected stands. "he he erected he he…"

"Grow up Dorothy!"

Simon guided them into a room behind the stage. "Ok guys," he said, "this is how it works, each of you will come out and sing your song. Then Randy, Gayorg and I will judge you. You will be given a number and at the end of the show, the audience will vote and the one with the most votes wins. Now some of you have talked to me about changing your songs, so just do whichever song it is that you have chosen against my superior song-picking talents. Good luck."

Simon left and the host, Elvis, announced that Sirius would be singing first.

"Now I understand you have changed your song, Sirius." Simon said.

"Yes I have, and I brought some people to help me sing it, I'm gonna sing Hair by the Cowsills."

"Well get on with it then." said Simon and the music started. 

Bill Weasley came on stage and began to sing: _She asks me why _Mrs. Weasley appears on stage. Then Sirius starts to join in singing:

__

I'm just a hairy guy

I'm hairy noon and night

Hair that's a fright

I'm hairy high and low

Don't ask me why

Don't know

It's not for lack of bread

Like the Grateful Dead

Darling

Gimme head with hair

Long beautiful hair

Shining, gleaming,

Streaming, flaxen, waxen

Give me down to there hair

Shoulder length or longer

Here baby, there mama

Everywhere daddy daddy

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair

Flow it, show it

Long as God can grow it

My hair

Let it fly in the breeze

And get caught in the trees

Give a home to the fleas in my hair

A home for fleas

A hive for bees

A nest for birds

There ain't no words

For the beauty, the splendor, the wonder

Of my...

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair

Flow it, show it

Long as God can grow it

My hair

I want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy

Snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty

Oily, greasy, fleecy

Shining, gleaming, streaming

Flaxen, waxen

Knotted, polka-dotted

Twisted, beaded, braided

Powdered, flowered, and confettied

Bangled, tangled, spangled,

Ginny comes on stage and sings:_ and spaghettied! _Then she leaves. Bill and Sirius start marching and sing: _Oh say can you see_

My eyes if you can

Then my hair's too short

Down to here

Down to there

Down to where

It stops by itself

They'll be ga ga at the go go

When they see me in my toga

My toga made of blond

Brilliantined

Biblical hair

My hair like Jesus wore it

Hallelujah I adore it

Hallelujah Mary loved her son

Why don't my mother love me?

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair

Flow it, show it

Long as God can grow it

My hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair

Flow it, show it

Long as God can grow it

My hair

The audienc went wild as they finished the last lines of the song. As Sirius walked off stage Dorothy came on. As they passed each other Dorothy slapped Sirius's bum playfully. Sirius gave Dorothy the finger and Dorothy stuck her tongue out at him.

"Now, I believe you have changed your song as well." Simon said to Dorothy.

"Yes I have," Dorothy said proudly, "I'm going to sing Toxic by Britney Spears." Then with a pop Dorothy's dress became about seven inches shorter, the neckline plunged lower, her shoes became thigh high leather boots, and her hair had gone spiky. Then she began to sing: _Baby, can't you see_

I'm calling

A guy like you

Should wear a warning

It's dangerous

I'm fallin'

There's no escape

I can't hide

I need a hit

Baby, give me it

You're dangerous

I'm lovin' it

Too high

Can't come down

Losing my head

Spinning 'round and 'round

Do you feel me now

With a taste of your lips

I'm on a ride

You're toxic

I'm slipping under

With a taste of poison paradise

I'm addicted to you

Don't you know that you're toxic

And I love what you do

Don't you know that you're toxic

Dorothy then started to poll dance while she sang. Everyone turned away in disgust, even the judges couldn't bear to watch. But Dorothy kept right on singing.

__

It's getting late

To give it up

I took a sip

From my devil cup

Slowly

It's taking over me

Too high

Can't come down

It's in the air

And it's all around

Can you feel me now

With a taste of your lips

I'm on a ride

You're toxic

I'm slipping under

With a taste of poison paradise

I'm addicted to you

Don't you know that you're toxic

And I love what you do

Don't you know that you're toxic

Don't you know that you're toxic

Taste of my lips and having fun

With a taste of your lips

I'm on a ride

You're toxic

I'm slipping under

With a taste of poison paradise

I'm addicted to you

Don't you know that you're toxic

And I love what you do

Don't you know that you're toxic

With a taste of your lips

I'm on a ride

You're toxic

I'm slipping under

With a taste of poison paradise

I'm addicted to you

Don't you know that you're toxic

And I love what you do

Don't you know that you're toxic

I'm intoxicated now

I think you'll love it now

I think I'm ready now

I think I'm ready now

I'm intoxicated now

I think you'll love it now

I think I'm ready now

When Dorothy finished her song, no body applauded, all that could be heard was the chirping of a cricket, everyone was too shocked to speak. With another pop Dorothy went back to normal and walked off.

Tingrin came on the stage and tried to start to sing, but the microphone squeaked and squealed from the interference of his braces. Once someone had fixed the microphone Tingrin began to sing: _Maybe you're like my mammon _Tingrin had forgotten his words.

__

She nnnosos mfoos sdhsn sdofods 

This is what it sounds like when doves cry.

Then Simon stopped him, and Tingrin walked off the stage embarrassed.

Then a whole bunch of house elves trooped onto the stage. They stood in a circle around one elf, who Harry recognised as Dobby. Then they began to sing: _Hey Dobby, its your birthday_

We're gonna party like its your birthday

Gonna sip Picardi like its your birthday

And we don't give an CENSORED_ cuz its your birthday._

Dobby began to break dance and then the others started too. Once they had finished their song, they all tottered off the stage, dizzy from all the head spins. The crowd cheered and Stuff came onto the stage and started to sing: _hi my name is, hi my name is…_

But he didn't finish the song. His short attention span had kicked in and he just wandered off the stage, a bird that had flown in had caught his attention. "Ooh pretty birdie!" he said and chased it all over the castle.

Flammable came on stage, sang a few lines of his song, spotted the hot spotlights all around and ran off screaming. Then Ryan Malcolm came on. 

__

I'm a lumberjack and I'm ok

I sleep all night and I work all day

A whole bunch of lumberjacks come on and sing: _He's a lumberjack and he's ok_

He sleeps all night and he works all day

Ryan:_ I cut down trees, I eat my lunch_

I go to the lavatory

On Wednesdays I go shopping

And have buttered scones for tea

Lumberjacks: _He cuts down trees_

He eats his lunch

He goes to the lavatory

On Wednesdays he goes shopping

And has buttered scones for tea

He's a lumberjack and he's ok

He sleeps all night and he works all day

Ryan: _I cut down trees_

I skip and jump

I like to press wild flowers

I put on women's clothing

And hang around in bars

Lumberjacks: _He cuts down trees_

He skips and jumps

He likes to press wild flowers

He puts on women's clothing

And hang around in bars

He cuts down trees

He skips and jumps

He likes to press wild flowers

He puts on women's clothing

And hangs around in bars?

He's a lumberjack and he's ok

He sleeps all night and he works all day

Ryan: _I cut down trees_

I wear high heels

Suspenders and a bra

I wish I'd been a girlie

Just like my dear papa.

Lumberjacks: _He cuts down trees_

He wears high heels

Suspenders… and a bra?

That's shocking!

That's rude… tut tut…

When Ryan finished his song Clay came on and started to sing. He had changed his song too.

__

Oh I'm too sexy for my shirt…

When he was finished, he realised that no one was judging. "Hey, wakie wakie Simon, aren't you guys supposed to be making rude and obnoxious remarks about our singing?"

"Oh shit I forgot. Everyone come out here so I can judge you." Simon said, and everyone filed out onto the stage.

"Ok," said Simon, "Sirius, you sang Hair, against the advice of me, but it seems that I was wrong, I loved it. Randy, what do you think?"

"dawg that rocked!" Randy said

"Yes I agree, but you're not as good as my kids. But very good none the less." Gayorg agreed.

"Harry," Simon continued, "you sang Stayin Alive, you sing too quiet, I didn't like it."

Harry then realised that he hadn't sung at all.

"Dawg, good job, but sing louder." Randy said

Gayorg had gone for coffee and was nowhere to be seen. The spotlight moved on to Dorothy.

This time Randy started. "Gosh girl can't you tell Sirius isn't interested? Get a life, work on your singing!"

"Yes, I agree with Randy, you suck!" Simon said.

Dorothy let out a wail and ran off the stage screaming profanities at the judges.

Then the light moved onto the house elves.

"That rocked!" Randy said and stood up and clapped.

"Meh okay," said Simon.

Then Randy went off to join Gayorg for some coffee.

"Well its just up to me now," Simon told them, " ok, lets cut the crap, Tingrin, the microphone squeaking sounded better than you, Stuff (who still hadn't come back from chasing the bird) I'm going to keep this short so you can pay attention, you suck. Flammable, you're ok, but get over the lights thing, Ryan from Canada, you're from Canada so we hate you, Clay how many times do I have to tell you not to do that thing with your face, it makes me sick to watch it!"

Then it was time for the audience to vote. When all the votes were in, Elvis came onto the stage with the envelope with the results. Everyone was back from coffee and bird chasing.

"Here in my hands I hold the results," Elvis said, "and the winner is…"

A/N hey guys! I know I said a week last time but I couldn't get the computer to work. I have one person who correctly guessed where Gayorg was from, but they forgot to tell me what they wanted me to write about. So I'm keeping the contest open for another week. DON'T FORGET TO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT ME TO WRITE ABOUT!!!! But remember, no slash.

Good luck and keep reading and reviewing. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed!!!!!!!!!!!!


	12. the Wishomatic

"yo dawg how's it hangin'? You totally catching the vibe off this story?"

"Hey Randy will you speak English like the rest of us, you're as bad as Canada's old Prime Minister"

" 'Ey, what do youse mean? I am as clear as a proof that is a proof that is a good proof because it has been proven. 'Ey you are right, good thing that I is not Prime Minister eh author?"

"Um yeah sure Jean, whatever you say."

"Say can I do the disclaimer eh?"

"Sure Jean"

"Okays like, the characters in this story does nots belong to the author likes, it has been proven because of the proof that is a proof that is a proof that is a good proof because it has been proven-"

"Jean, shut up, no one can understand, I mean how long ago was the speech with the proof and we still don't know what it means."

A/N I personally as a Canadian (whoo hoo Canada!) have nothing against Jean Cretchien. We all make fun of his talking. But if Jean is out there reading this I humbly apologize.

"Hold on, where's Dorothy?" *rips off Jean Cretien mask to reveal Dorothy* "Dorothy!"

"Um I…"*turns and runs away*

Chapter 12 the Wish-o-Matic

"And the winner is Harry Potter!" Elvis said. Harry was stunned, he hadn't even sung.

"Ok Harry, what do you wish for?" Simon asked Harry

"Well, I want everyone's wish to be granted." Harry replied.

"Darn it, they always ask for that! Got to tell the next bunch they can't wish for that! All right, all of you step into my Wish-o-Matic 1200000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 and it will grant your wish," he said, indicating the cardboard box sitting in the corner.

So Flammable went into the Wish-o-Matic 12 with lots of zeros and a one. When he came out Dorothy lit a match and held it to him. He didn't burn. Tingrin went next; when he came out he clicked his heels. "I'M FREE!!!!!" he shouted, his braces were gone and he was very happy. Stuff bounced into the box and came out relatively quickly. "Ok," he said to Sirius, "I'm ready to hear your whole life story."

"Maybe if I ever get stuck back here." Sirius replied as he and Harry stepped into the Wish-o-matic 120000000000000000000000000000000000000000

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001.

"I LOVE YOU!!!!" Dorothy yelled at Sirius one last time before he found himself tumbling through the blackness with Harry by his side.

Then they landed with a bump back in the Department of Mysteries.

"Well, well, back so soon?" a nasty voice snarled from somewhere above Sirius's head, "and here we thought we were finally rid of the infamous Sirius Black and the-boy-who-wouldn't-die Potter. Well, well won't this be fun…"

DUN DUN DUN…

Ooh I bet you thought that was the end. Roll the credits right? Wrong.

Thanks to everyone who has reviewed and keep reading and reviewing, there's still more fun left.

"I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!"

"Dorothy what are you doing?"

"Proving-"

"A proof is a proof--"

"Jean shut up."

"I was just showing you it was NOT the last time I yelled I love Sirius."

*Author shakes head*

A/N ok, the next chapter is a bit sad and depressing and serious so if you don't want to break the happy mood, don't read it, skip to chapter 14 when it comes out. I'm serious-

"No I'm Sirius."

Yeah, laugh it up while you can dog-boy. I'm being honest here.

"No I'm Honest"

Who the heck are you?

"I'm Honest, well I got to go now."

Whatever.


	13. Screams in the night

A/N ok, uh this chapter is quite sad and doesn't really fit with the happy random atmosphere of the story. If you don't want to read it I'll understand, you can just skip to the next chapter, you won't miss much.

Chapter 13 Screams in the night

Harry and Sirius had only a brief glance of Lucius Malfoy's sneering face before all went black.

******************************************************************

When Sirius came to he found himself in a small cell, Harry in an identical cell next to him. Sirius noticed that there was a dementor keeping guard over the two cells. Harry seemed to be unconscious, leaving Sirius alone with the memories that had haunted him in Azkaban.

Sirius had almost given up hope that Harry was still alive when he began to scream. He then remembered what Remus had told him about Harry and the dementors. Each scream broke his heart, he wished there was something he could do. 

Days passed, a couple of hooded death eaters would come and take Harry for a few hours and then throw him back into his cell. They seemed to have forgotten about Sirius.

But one day they took Harry and never brought him back.

Night came and Sirius became more worried than ever. Then there was dim light in the narrow corridor. Quick footsteps were heard and then the door to Sirius's cell opened.

"Padfoot, are you there?" a hoarse voice came from the doorway.

"Moony!" Sirius exclaimed, relieved. All they'd have to do was find Harry and then they could get out.

"Where's Harry?" Dumbledore said quietly.

Sirius explained how the death eaters had taken him and pointed them in the direction in which they had gone earlier that day. He followed Remus and Dumbledore down the hall where he saw a small group f people waiting. Dumbledore explained the situation to Moody, Snape, Tanks and various others from the Order.

They split up and each pair took a different one of the corridors branching out from where they had gathered. Sirius insisted on going as well and went with Remus and Dumbledore.

"Here, you're going to need this," Remus said, handing Sirius his old wand.

They crept along the corridor, opening doors as they went and stunning the inhabitants of the different rooms. Soon there was only one door left.

Inside they found Harry, sitting in a corner just staring into space.

"Harry!" Sirius exclaimed as he pushed his way into the small room.

"I'll go get the others." Dumbledore said quietly and left.

"Harry" Sirius repeated, but Harry did not look up. Sirius got down on the floor so he could be level with Harry. Then he realized what had happened. He had seen it only once during Auror training. Harry's eyes held no life and his skin was pale and clammy. He had been given the Dementor's Kiss.

Sirius sat back and put his face in his hands. Remus then too realised what had happened. Sirius had begun to sob uncontrollably and Remus knelt down and but an arm around his friend's shaking shoulders.

Sirius pulled himself together as he heard the others approaching. "It's all my-" he began, and then saw the blue suede shoes he was still wearing and remembered what Tingrin had told him. Sirius knew what he needed to do. He took out his wand and pointed it at Harry.

"Avada kedavra"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Awwwwwwwwww *sniffle sniffle* I told you it was going to be sad. But just wait until the next chapter, it'll get better I swear.

Thank you to everyone who has reviewed. Oh and the winner of my contest is Sora Dragon (I hope I got it right) Gayorg was from Sound Of Music. Watch for Sirius Black and the Journal of Spite coming soon to a computer near you. Thanks for the idea!

*if there are any places that say "Rebus" instead of "Remus" I'm sorry, the spell checker changed them and I might have missed some.


End file.
